{"id":598,"date":"2023-03-20T22:32:29","date_gmt":"2023-03-20T22:32:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/?p=598"},"modified":"2023-04-23T03:49:49","modified_gmt":"2023-04-23T03:49:49","slug":"birthday-letter-2006-the-possibilities-of-stolen-moments","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/2023\/03\/20\/birthday-letter-2006-the-possibilities-of-stolen-moments\/","title":{"rendered":"Birthday Letter, 2006: The Possibilities of Stolen Moments"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

For eighteen years, I\u2019ve written a letter to myself on my birthday. The next year, I read the letter and write a new one to my future self. Having just finished writing my 19th letter, I\u2019m writing a series of posts <\/a>in which I revisit and reflect on each letter to date.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Seventeen years ago, on my 27th birthday, I sat in Mishka’s Cafe<\/a>, a coffee shop in Davis, California, writing a letter to my future self. The white-noise whir of coffee grinders, the bold, fruity smells of dark-roasted beans, and the whispering clickety-clacks of fingers on keyboards has always helped draw out my inner voice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the table, flanking my stationery and pen, a half-eaten cookie on a white ceramic plate and a steaming mug of latte. All around me, students hunched over laptops, furiously typing the million-dollar thoughts they believed would change the world. A few stared beyond stacks of books and notes toward the crisp, bright day unfolding outside. Wistful, melancholy, or simply listening for inspiration, I couldn’t tell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then, me, a Sociology grad student with neither book nor computer to signal my productive worth. Just me with a new haircut, a sweet treat, a pen, and some paper, trying to impart some kind of profound wisdom to my future self. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

As I read last year’s letter<\/a>, I realize I am in much the same place right now. I strayed from Artist’s Way and writing for a few months. Then, I remembered the energy and happiness I felt when I wrote my letter last year. I couldn’t let myself down, so I started again.<\/p>\nMarch 9, 2006<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

I strayed. I couldn’t let myself down, so I started again.<\/em> Rather than hiking a path toward some fixed point, I found myself in a river that rushes, trickles, swirls into eddies, plays in the shallows, and gathers wisely into its depths. Had I strayed or simply followed the river? I couldn’t let myself down, so I let go of trying to force my life into a box to instead float with the current of my creativity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

In one year I will be almost finished with classes. I will have taught for 3 more quarters. Do I like it? Am I still following my heart? Never forget that writing is my life source.<\/p>\nMarch 9, 2006<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Am I still following my heart? <\/em>In this question, an important corrective to the “Am I succeeding? Do people like me? How can I do better?” commentary underlying my daily life. In this redirection, I remind myself to follow my internal compass rather than chase dopamine hits of satisfaction from meeting external demands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But the reminder lasts less than one line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Hopefully, one year from now, as I sit reading this letter, I will have at least one story published. It’s possible.<\/p>\nMarch 9, 2006<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

I don’t fault that version of myself for turning my life source into an achievement-based pursuit. Achieving milestones was the only definition of success I knew. Instead, I look upon her with love. As she measures her success in terms of external validation, doubt creeps in. I can hear the inner critics even now:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“A story published within a year?,” they roar. “Ha! You’re not good enough for that. The stories in Granta<\/a><\/em>, ZYZZYVA<\/a><\/em>, and Glimmer Train<\/em><\/a> are all so much better than yours. The editors will laugh off your submissions. After all, you’re not a real<\/em> writer.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And so, I amended my lofty goal. It’s possible<\/em>, I wrote in the whisper of a little girl whose hopes of a joyous ride down the river have just been dashed by the meanest of trolls stabbing holes in her raft before the journey even begins. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But then, I recovered and tucked a seed into my soul.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Remember: grad school is my hobby, writing is my life. Creativity sustains me. I’m happy now. My life is coming into balance.<\/p>\nMarch 9, 2006<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

In the coming years, I inadvertently watered this seed. As I wrote academic articles<\/a> and my book<\/a>, I veered into storytelling even though I knew the stories would have to be reined in for publication. Every once in a while, I wrote a few pages of an intriguing plot line or interesting character, and then closed the journal with silent apologies for leaving them undeveloped and alone on the page. Only now do I recognize these stolen moments as sunlight for the buried seed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I still can’t pinpoint the moment my career overtook creative writing. Perhaps that will become clearer in the letters to come. Although I eventually forgot to treat my career as a hobby, that seed of desire stayed in fertile ground, nourished by moments of storytelling until I returned stronger, wiser, and ready to devote my full attention to my indelible life source. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I do not regret swirling in the eddy of academia for so long. While I often mistook the eddy as the whole river, I now see it as an important way station<\/a> from which I scouted out my identity and gathered my equipment before plunging back into the wild ride of my next adventure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

P.S. <\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A book and a podcast episode helped me think more about issues in this post. I’ll be writing about these on Medium<\/a> soon, so follow me there to get notified when it’s published.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

For now, here’s links to the book, Dr. Erin Cech’s, The Trouble with Passion: How Searching for Fulfillment at Work Fosters Inequality<\/a>, and Dr. Laurie Santos’ podcast, The Happiness Lab<\/a> in which she talks with Simone Stolzoff, the author of the book, The Good Enough Job: Reclaiming Life from Work<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Want to be notified of new publications and blog posts? Sign up<\/a> for my email newsletter!<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Had I strayed or simply followed the river? 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