{"id":305,"date":"2019-12-15T21:24:30","date_gmt":"2019-12-15T21:24:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/2019\/12\/15\/running-for-my-life\/"},"modified":"2022-12-07T22:59:11","modified_gmt":"2022-12-07T22:59:11","slug":"running-for-my-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/2019\/12\/15\/running-for-my-life\/","title":{"rendered":"Running for my life"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve been meditating lately. Sometimes during my sessions, a particularly vivid image and storyline leads me to unexpected insights into my present emotional state. This\u00a0story-poem came from one of those recent sessions. I want to preface this post by saying that I\u2019m worried that\u00a0it may at times be misinterpreted as being about suicide. I did not write this post with any suicidal thoughts or intentions; instead, it\u2019s about choosing life, choosing to curiously explore and observe my anxiety, and realizing the power I have to choose the role that my anxiety plays in my life. Although I\u2019m not always in a mental state to act on the choices I have, knowing that I have choices is a great comfort. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, please tell someone immediately. You can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline<\/a> at 1-800-273-8255.<\/i><\/p>\n

A mouse runs on a treadmill.
Frantic. Trying to keep up.
\u201cRun! Faster! Don\u2019t stop or…\u201d
Or what?\u00a0
He must keep running.
Faster, faster, until he\u2019s barely holding on.<\/p>\n

The invisible taskmaster keeps upping the speed.
The whirr of the treadmill makes it sound like it\u2019ll implode at any minute.
The mouse runs faster.
Sprints for his life.
To stop is certain death.
He must keep going.
To stay alive.<\/p>\n

This is a life-or-death situation.
\u201cPlease, just let me stop. My legs, my body is so tired.\u201d
But the mouse doesn\u2019t have time to think because he must keep going.
He must concentrate on the band slipping away underneath him. If he stops to think his feet will get tangled and the whole juggling act will come tumbling down.\u00a0<\/p>\n

He must keep going.
Until the treadmill slows.<\/p>\n

But it won\u2019t.
It just keeps going.
Faster and faster until he\u2019s sure he can\u2019t hold on.\u00a0He\u2019ll slip off the back and it\u2019ll be done.
He doesn\u2019t want that.
He wants to live!<\/p>\n

Run!
Run!
Faster!
Fasterfasterfaster.<\/p>\n

He never falls off,\u00a0
Always keeps up.
But it\u2019s no consolation.
He must concentrate on now. Get through this second and the next and the next.<\/p>\n

Why is someone doing this to him?
Why does he have to keep runningrunningrunning?<\/p>\n

That frantic feeling.
When all I can do is go, go, go.
The fear propels me.
Fear of not keeping up.
Knowledge that I am keeping up, but fear that it\u2019ll all come crashing down at any moment.
If I stop, the machine will spit me off the back and I will have failed.
I\u2019ll have to watch everyone else sprint past me while I…
Helpless. Admit that I\u2019m not as good. That I can\u2019t do it.<\/p>\n

And then I realize.
There is no taskmaster turning up the speed,
Pushingpushingpushing.<\/p>\n

I am the taskmaster.
I am the one who can control the speed.
Comfort.
Relief.
I can step off whenever I want.<\/p>\n

I choose to slow down.
To step off.
Even when the treadmill continues at its frantic pace,
I have the power to choose.<\/p>\n

I choose life.
I choose mindfulness.
I choose love over fear.
I love that little mouse,\u00a0
Propelled by fear, unaware that he too has a choice.<\/p>\n

Tell him this: You choose.
You do not have to go along with the game,
The fear that propels you.
Choose to slow down or step off the out-of-control treadmill.
You have a choice.
That is the most power I have felt in a long time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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Sometimes during my sessions, a particularly vivid image and storyline leads me to unexpected insights into my present emotional state. This\u00a0story-poem came from one of those recent sessions. I want to...","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":302,"url":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/2020\/02\/13\/today-im-going-to-fail\/","url_meta":{"origin":305,"position":0},"title":"Today, I\u2019m Going to Fail","author":"Monica Williams","date":"February 13, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"This morning I woke up feeling heavy.\u00a0My chest, my lungs, my ribs, none of them had enough space to breathe.\u00a0This happens on days when I have a few things scheduled back-to-back. I\u2019ve always attributed this to just\u00a0\u201ctoo much to do.\u201d\u00a0Then, I was petting my cat, Fiko, thinking about all I\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Essay"","block_context":{"text":"Essay","link":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/category\/essay\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":299,"url":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/2020\/03\/26\/anxious-awakening\/","url_meta":{"origin":305,"position":1},"title":"Anxious awakening","author":"Monica Williams","date":"March 26, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"As soon as I open my eyes,\u00a0I\u2019m startled at my physical being.I\u2019m in a room.I\u2019m in my bed.My brain is one small part of my whole.It\u2019s been the entire whole of myself for hours,But all of a sudden, it shrinks down to its rightful size.It lives in my head.One small\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Poetry"","block_context":{"text":"Poetry","link":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/category\/poetry\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":285,"url":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/2021\/05\/28\/alaska-day-3\/","url_meta":{"origin":305,"position":2},"title":"Alaska, Day 3","author":"Monica Williams","date":"May 28, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"Today is train day. I\u2019m riding the Aurora Winter Train for the 12-hour trip from Fairbanks to Anchorage.My traveling companion has also joined me. We\u2019ve found our seats, and I watch the other passengers board.\u00a0\u201cHave you seen any bears?\u201d a woman asks\u00a0a couple sitting a few rows ahead of and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Travel"","block_context":{"text":"Travel","link":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/category\/travel\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":293,"url":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/2020\/09\/27\/the-end\/","url_meta":{"origin":305,"position":3},"title":"The End","author":"Monica Williams","date":"September 27, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"This story came to me after a visit to the cemetery near my house. I saw the name \u201cOlander\u201d on a headstone, and I knew that it would show up in a story soon!Olander Johnson wanted to make something of himself. But every time he tried,\u00a0 it ended in disappointment.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Experimental"","block_context":{"text":"Experimental","link":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/category\/experimental\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":291,"url":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/2020\/11\/21\/all-i-really-need-to-know-about-writing-i-learned\/","url_meta":{"origin":305,"position":4},"title":"All I really need to know about writing I learned from riding","author":"Monica Williams","date":"November 21, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"It\u2019s no secret that I LOVE snowboarding. I ride about 20-30 times per year, and when I\u2019m off the hill, I\u2019m thinking about when I can get back on the hill.\u00a0 I\u2019ve also been a writer for my entire life. I have notebooks full of stories and journal entries. I\u2019ve\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Writing craft"","block_context":{"text":"Writing craft","link":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/category\/writing-craft\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":290,"url":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/2020\/12\/09\/these-are-the-history-defining-moments-that-shaped\/","url_meta":{"origin":305,"position":5},"title":"These are the history-defining moments that shaped 2020","author":"Monica Williams","date":"December 9, 2020","format":"link","excerpt":"These are the history-defining moments that shaped 2020I wrote the following piece about my encounter with the picture of the cemetery in Jakarta shown at the link above.Looking at picture of the arial view of the graveyard, my eye is drawn to the gaping hole covered with two-by-fours in the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Essay"","block_context":{"text":"Essay","link":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/category\/essay\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/305","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=305"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/305\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":453,"href":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/305\/revisions\/453"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=305"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=305"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/monicajwilliams.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=305"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}